Difficulties & Challenges of Four
Melancholy
Fours are sensitive people who process their experience through their inner world, especially their feelings. When more constricted, Fours increasingly check everything that “comes in” against their self-image- everything can become about being true to their identity. What they wear, what they buy, what they do, where they go and so on, must all support their image- and others must also see them as they want to be seen. The tyranny of having to be constantly “true to themselves” causes the Four to get caught up in a sort of inner loop. Fours dip everything into what Riso-Hudson call their “Inner Fondue”. There is a lag between their experience and how they respond as they go through this inner check- how do they feel about it and does it fit their self-image.
When they become less healthy, Fours begin to associate their sad feelings and negative inner responses with their truth. They feel more in line with their true identity when they feel melancholy. When the more depressed feelings are associated with their creativity, they may come to believe their art and self-expression depend on being in the emotional soup. There may be some truth to this as a creative process- the poem or song emerges from an inner intensity that feels dark. The “tortured artist” stereotype speaks to what may be a real phenomenon. But it is a challenging state for the Four to cultivate.
To support their identity, Fours can begin to intensify their emotions deliberately. For example, feeling down, they might retreat to their room, light a candle and play sad music- intensifying their sad feelings because they feel in touch with their true self. Fours can suffer from depression and go to a dark place- and they may be reluctant to leave this place because it feels this is where their identity and creativity live.
Without knowing Amy Winehouse as a person, we can imagine the refusal to “go to rehab” as part of protecting her identity, artistry and genius- how that might make her feel unwilling to change. For the more constricted Four the issue becomes not wanting to get out of the negative impacts of the identity they are cultivating. I might get sober but then I might be “ordinary”.
We can probably all relate to an inner sense of suffering that feels critical to our identity. When we finally turn within and feel our emotions and just allow them, we encounter grief and sadness and depressed states – and we feel the truth and realness of this as being in touch with our deeper selves. In many ways Fours are on to something important about allowing our emotions to be whatever they are and knowing them to be a source of self-understanding. However, as a place they can get hooked and stuck it is not a good development for a Four.
Sadly, many famous artists who committed suicide were likely Fours- the incredible gift of their voice and their suffering somehow connected.
“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.”
Self-Absorbed, Temperamental
Fours are sensitive to their own moods and whether others “get them”. Under stress this can begin to show up as over-sensitivity, being self-absorbed, feeling misunderstood and becoming temperamental.
Self-absorbed is different from being self-aware. Self-awareness is witnessing ourselves honestly. Self “absorbed” means Fours can focus excessively on themselves and their inner world without objectivity. The unhealthy Four’s self-image can become so subjective that it cuts them off from outer reality.
Fours have an active imagination and can live in a fantasy world. They intensify their feelings and fantasies to support their sense of themselves. When others confront the unhealthy Four with anything that counters their inner subjectivity or fantasy, they respond by feeling misunderstood.
“Rachmaninoff made a musician out of me. His ‘Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini’ was the piece that sent me into raptures. It spoke to me. To me, it was a tender entreaty for the misunderstood.”
Unhealthy Fours can become temperamental and dramatic, attention seeking in a negative way. Fours can make others “walk on eggshells”. They want to attract a “rescuer” by showing they are suffering, they are misunderstood. They want others to buy into their reality. Fours can withdraw as a strategy to be seen in a certain way that may not correspond to the truth.
Riso-Hudson say that Fours can need a “reality check” and to know that “feelings aren’t facts”. Anyone trying to give a reality check to a less healthy Four is likely to encounter a storm of drama and moodiness. The real difficulty for the stressed out Four is that everything that might be good for them seems to go against their self-image of being “not too functional”. This can cause them to cling to their version of reality and the feeling of being misunderstood instead of taking steps to become healthier.
“Something Missing”
Fours will describe that they feel “something’s missing,” something others seem to have, something fundamental that’s needed to live in the world. When Fours are healthy this sense may be awareness of something universal - a yearning or longing for something absent, the bittersweet sensibility we can all experience. Recognizing that something is missing can be a true prompt for change - when we may long for something more meaningful or deeper in our lives.
But this feeling can get the less healthy Four in trouble as they increasingly feel that they personally are missing something that others have, that there is something deficient about them as compared to others. This sense that something is missing is very personal, painful and subjective.
Fours can end up in a bind if they see others as having something they are missing, but at the same time they don’t want to be like others. This may show up in practical life matters- others may have security, money, jobs, families for example- which may look to the Four like something they will never attain. And yet they may not want to lead the conventional life that brings these things, or they may feel they can’t be true to themselves if they pursue these ordinary things in life.
The Vice of the Four is Envy. This refers to a way of experiencing others as having something unattainable and out of reach for the Four. We all suffer from comparing ourselves to others, we all feel envy at times, but Fours experience in their depths that they are lacking what others seem to have. Again, this feeling of envy can be hard to work through because at the same time the Four disdains being like others.
“There is always something missing that torments me.”
Consider how understanding this feeling of being misunderstood and that “something is missing” ties together your understanding of Four. The whole gestalt of Four- how being original, wanting to express their artistry and to be seen as the unique individual they are, can lead to feeling different from others, that they don’t fit in. How processing everything through their feelings, especially melancholy, can become associated with their inner depths and be intensified to painful emotions. Healing this downward spiral involves embracing what is ok about being ordinary, being a human like everyone else.
Something’s Missing
I'm not alone
I wish I was
'Cause then I'd know I was down because
I couldn't find a friend around
To love me like they do right now
They do right now
I'm dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate
Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
At all
John Mayer (excerpt from song lyrics)
