Difficulties & Challenges of Three
Striving can apply to everything in the Three’s life. For example, if they garden they will want to have the most beautiful garden. If they cook, they will want to learn be a gourmet chef. They might take a vacation that involves learning something new- not relaxing on a beach but getting their scuba certification.
Recall that Threes want to be seen and admired because they believe they must earn their value, they have substituted success in the eyes of others for the love and attention they deserve for simply being. As this painful strategy of the personality ramps up, Threes become more identified with their image of success, working harder, and performing more. As Threes become more competitive, they will step over others in their ambition to succeed, they want to be the winner.
This can obviously be exhausting but the usual signals to rest or take a break are pushed out of awareness. The Inner Critic of the Three is very pushy, forcing them to keep going by pumping them up internally with messages like “you can do it”. Threes will say that they feel constantly observed, as if an invisible audience is watching them perform. And this audience is demanding. They must now be better, faster, more accomplished. They must never fail at anything.
It can be hard in a culture that prizes this sort of performing to stop, do less, or even see this drive as a problem.
We also live in a consumer culture that values the spoils of success. Less healthy Threes become status oriented, they acquire status symbols as evidence of success- the right car, house, neighbourhood, clothes and so on. When Threes buy into their own image and identify with the persona, they have lost perspective on what has real value.
Workaholic, Driving Themselves
Threes have trouble stopping, slowing down, relaxing. When less healthy, Threes push themselves harder to always be busy and accomplishing something that will boost their sense of themselves as successful. A day might begin early at the gym and end late at work, but still the Three will find it hard to just crash and watch tv.
Although the phrase “workaholic” may apply, Threes are not necessarily all corporate or career oriented. They may be found in any environment- and whatever environment they are in they will want to be the best, for example the best mom at the PTA. If a Three is in a spiritual community, they will feel pressure to show how great they are at being spiritual. This is the Three in all of us - meditating in a group and wondering if I am looking like a good meditator.
Symbolizing endurance, the Greek god Atlas was condemned by Zeus to hold up the heavens for eternity. Many Threes relate to the feeling that they are holding the world up - that they bear a heavy weight on their shoulders that they can’t put down.
Deceit, “Phony”
As Threes work hard to generate an image of success, they lose touch with their authentic self. Threes usually have an awareness of this split- they are aware that there is a gap between their inner self and the persona they have created.
If I am what I accomplish and my value depends on my results, I can’t feel good about myself if I am “less than” others. This is the comparative sense of self-esteem we saw earlier. How likely is it that someone can always be the “best” at everything they do? And what might the Three resort to if they can’t achieve the level of success they aspire to?
Threes are chameleons - they fit themselves to whatever environment they are in and adapt to meet the expectations of that environment. As we have seen adaptability and can-do energy is a strength of Threes when healthy, but when identified more tightly with the need to succeed, it can descend into behaviours that get the Three in trouble. Unhealthy Threes will cut corners, be dishonest, exaggerate their accomplishments, claim credit for the work of others, generally become more “phony.” They can become boastful and bragging. It’s as if they can’t quite succeed the way they want to, so instead of backing off and giving themselves a break, they begin to be dishonest about what they have achieved. They fiddle with the numbers. Others may be impressed by the outer image, but at some point there is likely to be a downfall if the successful image is inflated and false.
The Vice of Three is Deceit. This is the temptation to lie, exaggerate and so on that the Three may resort to in order to keep the successful image going. Nowadays we see this everywhere as “spin”- something bad happens and immediately media relations or image consultants are called in to spin the story. Faking it, bluster, and outright lying are almost normalized today.
Being an Assertive type shows up in the way the Three will spin things and not admit failure. Under stress they will keep pushing against others and the world because stopping, quitting or admitting things aren’t going well is forbidden.
However, Threes may begin to wake up when they encounter a set-back- and their own Deceit can be an opening. It is the feeling of being fake or phony that usually wakes the Three up- the pain of realizing they have lost touch with themselves.
The Three growth path is to Authenticity, to become real. The starting point is realizing that the personality or persona is false. We wear a mask that we present to the world, and we hide our true selves. Eventually, we identify with this mask and take it to be ourselves. We perform, we want to be seen in a certain way, and we polish our outer shell. We forget who we really are. This process is universal, Threes merely specialize in this.
The path of becoming authentic is a path of the heart, articulated by Glennon Doyle in her book Love Warrior. Doyle says that “we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved.” When we choose to be perfect and admired, we send what she calls “our representatives”, our false selves, out to live our lives. If we choose to be real and loved, “we must send out our true, tender selves.”
Others want to know the authentic Three but the Three does not trust this so it’s hard to stop relating from their persona. The Three needs to notice how they are loved for their real, true selves and that it is safe to show their vulnerability.
The wonderful children’s book The Velveteen Rabbit is the story of how toys become real - it is a Three story. The Skin Horse tells the Velveteen Rabbit that toys become real “when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you.” He explains that this long process sometimes hurts and that by the time you are Real “most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.” But “these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” Go read or re-read this heart touching story in light of the type Three journey to authenticity.
Blocked Heart, Feelings
To focus on achievement, Threes have “hardened their hearts”. It’s said that Threes become Human Doings not Human Beings.
The block to the Three’s heart originated in not feeling loved for just being themselves, so as children they turned off a sensitive wound by blocking their feelings. As an adult who has buried many feelings, opening their heart seems very difficult- they may feel they have stored so much it would be too painful to look. One Three described this as having a “lake of uncried tears”.
Threes may sense into their heart and encounter armour, hollowness, or feel they have no heart at all. But being in the Heart Center of Intelligence means that feelings are the doorway the Three must walk through- including their underlying hurt and shame.
Of course, like the Tin Man, Threes have a beautiful heart all along.
Consider how this blocking of feelings ties together your understanding of type Three and the Three in all of us. The whole gestalt of Three- the ambition, the hard work, the drive for success and the polished image- can you sense how this relates to blocking feelings and being out of touch with the heart?
Contacting their hearts is the way Threes get clear on what is truly valuable and precious to them. Knowing their innate worth as a human being relaxes the pressure to perform. As Rumi said “Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.”
